The Queen, the PM, and the Martian
Robert Arthur Talbot Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury KG GCVO PC FRS DL (1830 – 1903) was a British statesman and Conservative politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom 3 times for a total of over 13 years, including during the Martian invasion.
Lord Robert Cecil, also known as Lord Salisbury, was first elected to the House of Commons in 1854. Following the death of his father in 1868 he became the 3rd Marquess of Salisbury, moving to the House of Lords. He was the last PM to serve from the House of Lords.
After Disraeli’s death in 1881, Salisbury emerged as Conservative leader in the Lords. He was prime minister three times (1885–86, 1886–92, 1895–1900), the most significant period being the last when he faced the Martian invasion.
Despite beating the Martians, the 1900 election resulted in Salisbury’s coalition of Unionists and Conservatives being reduced to a mere rump with the Liberals gaining 54% of the vote, and the Labour Representation Committee, later to become the Labour Party. winning 25%.
Historians generally agree that Salisbury’s loss was due to the anger those south of the Gascoyne-Cecil Line felt against the government who’d ‘left them behind’ to fend for themselves.
The organisation and grass roots support by groups, such as the NUWSS whose organisational ability had been built, and refined during the war, also proved vital to the size of the swing. Their reward, of course was the introduction of ‘The Universal Suffrage Act’ of 1902.
The historian, Paul Smith characterises Salisbury’s personality as “deeply neurotic, depressive, agitated, introverted, fearful of change and loss of control, and self-effacing but capable of extraordinary competitiveness.”
A representative of the landed aristocracy, Salisbury held the reactionary credo, “Whatever happens will be for the worse, and therefore it is in our interest that as little should happen as possible”
Dame Antoinette Louise Clark, GCVO (aka @toniwantsthevote), and Britain’s first female health minister was once heard to remark of Salisbury: ‘Only a neurotic control freak would think that drawing a line on a map would stop a Martian in a tripod. Fortunately, our earthly bacteria have more fortitude than that man. And so did the voting public.’
To: Sec of State for War, Henry Petty-Fitzmaurice, 5th Marquess Lansdowne, cc Colonel Coldstream Guards, Gen Sir Stephenson. Sirs, I have the honour to present the results of the autopsy on the Martian captured by No 4 Company Coldstream Guards.
Respectfully Dr John H Watson.
“The Martian has a huge round body—or, rather, a head—about 4 feet in diameter. In the front of this body, or head, is a face. This face has no nostrils but rather a pair of very large, dark-colored eyes, with just beneath the eyes a kind of fleshy beak…
“At the back of this head/body—I scarcely know how to speak of it—is a single tight tympanic surface, an ear, though it must be almost useless in our denser air. Grouped round the mouth were sixteen slender, almost whip-like tentacles, arranged in two bunches of eight each…
“These bunches have were named, by the distinguished anatomist, Professor Howes, who assisted me – the hands. Those brave men of the Cold Stream Guards,or recovered the body, have told me that they saw the Martians endeavoring to raise themselves on these hands…
“Of course, Earth’s increased gravity made it impossible for the Martians to raise themselves in this fashion. But there is reason to suppose that on Mars they may have progressed upon these “hands” with some facility…
“Internally, dissection revealed that the greater part of the structure was the brain, linked to the eyes, ear, and tactile tentacles by enormous nerves. Besides this were the complex lungs, into which the mouth opened, and the heart and its vessels…
“Strange as it may seem, the Martian fail to possess any apparatus of digestion. They were heads—merely heads, without entrails. They did not eat, much less digest. Instead, it appears they take the fresh, living blood of other creatures, and inject it into their own veins…
“The physiological advantages of the practice of injection are undeniable, if one thinks of the tremendous waste of time and energy occasioned by eating and the digestive process…
“Their undeniable preference for men as their source of nourishment is partly explained by the nature of the remains of the victims they had brought with them as provisions from Mars. And which had been recovered from Woking on a previous occassion…
“These ‘supplies” or creatures, to judge from the shrivelled remains, were bipeds, with flimsy, silicious skeletons (almost like those of the silicious sponges) and feeble musculature…
“They stood about six feet high, with round, erect heads, and large eyes in flinty sockets. Two or three of these seem to have been brought in each cylinder, and all were killed and drained before Earth was reached…
“In 3 other points their physiology differs strangely from ours. They did not sleep, any more than the heart of man sleeps. Secondly Martians were absolutely without sex, and therefore without any of the tumultuous emotions that arise from that difference among men…
“Despite the lack of sex, they do reproduce-in a manner similar to how young lily-bulbs bud off, or the young of fresh-water polyps. The recovered body included the bud of a young Martian, probably born upon earth during the war, still attached to its parent…
“The last salient point was the appearance of gangrene on the creature’s skin, and internal organs. From the pattern of the gangrene’s spread it appears that a minor cut may have become infected, with the infection then spreading throughout the body…
“However, no sign of the original entry point could be found, and the young “bud” was also severely compromised. It has been suggested that the systems of these creatures differ significantly from ours by the apparent ease and speed with which it had succumbed to the bacteria…
“Professor Howes has posseted that this may be because Micro-organisms, which cause so much disease and pain on earth, have either never appeared upon Mars, or Martian sanitary science eliminated them ages ago…
“How significant this difference is remains to be determined, however, there was clear signs of putrification in several of its “hands” which had thereby been rendered useless.
I remain your faithful Servant, John H. Watson M.D.